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| - when i was griping to rob about some people at work that had been driving me nuts, he responded with "how can anyone not like you." and it was said seriously, as i asked him to clarify. it got me thinking a bit. popular, or well-known people will have more people that do not like them, than people that know no one. simple, right? there are a select few people that just plain do not care for me, while the vast majority do. the only reason i take issue with any of it is because they had never spent any appreciable time around me before making a decision, have been compulsive liars, listened to one sided stories, or just enjoy trying to bring someone else down. i've made decisions i have come to regret, but i literally feel like i'm in spin alley when the fallout comes. things get blown out of proportion more than i thought was possible. got a message for you people; go fuck yourselves...might get backlash for it, but i don't think it's really going to matter. it's so disingenuous to gossip. an unnamed source or friend-of-a-friend doesn't cut it. go to the source or fuck off.
- at least some things never change in my life. the ex ex is still a lying, cheating whore. saw her the other day with someone else. if her boyfriend is around, tell him he needs to lock that shit down.
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| - i can't write songs anymore. i can come up with musical compositions that i'm fairly pleased and satisfied with, but when i put the pen to the paper, words can't do justice to anything i want to write about. what i feel is too big for words. this is probably the most disheartening thing about the whole ordeal, is that what i used to use to express myself is not working. i used to get high or drunk when things would get tough and in my mind, it worked for me. having taken those two things out of the equation, it somehow makes things harder? shouldn't it be easier once you give up things that can only be a pitfall throughout life?
- writing is not the least of my problems. i have zero motivation for anything anymore. i do what i do to get by. i just want one day to pass where i can look back and say "hey, that one wasn't too bad. let's try for another one." i know i can do great things in life. it's just getting to that point that is so hard for me. fear of growing up? perhaps...
- i can't sleep. 2-3 hours a night and that's it. i'm utterly exhuasted during the day, but even when i come back to the room to take a nap even, my mind kicks into overdrive. it's like i have a phobia of sleeping; my heart will start racing and adrenaline will start shooting though my veins. i don't get it. for five minutes, i would just like to forget what's going on with my life and in the world and get a decent night's sleep.
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| - according to a television station in texas, a 4 year-old child recieved an in-school suspension for "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment."........give me a fucking break already. the parents are rightly fighting this because of course, a hug is exactly that to a four year-old, not some convoluted fantasy that these people on the school board think it is. is it just me or are school punishments a little bit unreasonable these days? the last fist fight i got into was 4th grade. we both went before the principal and we got two detentions. Two. not two weeks of detentions. not two weeks of suspensions. two detentions. this is from one of the most screwed up school districts in all of southern illinois that made national news by demanding that students be charged for ketchup and that any student that brought in any of their own would face disciplinary actions. just saying...
- a couple of other random things i'm reading...
a man was going to set off grenades on the 22nd of december in a chicago shopping mall as part of a jihad. jimmy carter is accused of plagerism in a book that already is an incredibly biased piece of work. and a crazy representative who beat up a uniformed official who did not recognize her when she entered a congressional office building, just introduced a bill to impeach our president. on that last one, i agree with the message, but not the messenger. kidding, of course. a man walks into a chicago office building and lights up the place with gunfire...and the former USSR is back to their KGB loving ways. what a world we live in. | | |
| so i'm going through a bit of a thing - i'm very overwhelmed by all the work that has piled up on me over this semester. traditionally, i have just shut down when confronted by a seemingly insurmountable challenge, but i'm fighting that urge. but it's hard...very hard.
- i don't know how the next month of my life is going to play out. as a whole, i know i'm going to turn out fine regardless, but i finally know what i want, but i don't know how to get it back. i'm finally confronting the last two years of my life head-on and it's difficult to even think of who i was back then. i hurt some people in the process (some much more than others) and burned some bridges i cannot rebuild. i try to tell myself now, that it was a part of "growing" and "maturing", but that only gets me so far. i still lose sleep over it.
- these past two months i've tried to become a better person. i've stumbled a couple times, but i think i'm finally getting the bigger picture into focus. that translates into kicking the bad habits i've picked up in the last couple years; no more drinking at the rate that was going to put me into an early grave, among other things. the question i raise in my own mind is; "am i doing it for the right reasons?"
- music has been put on hold until after the new year, basically. monday night jam is on its deathbed and i don't even bother with open mics anymore. a good friend told me the other night that because of what i play, people lose interest. i didn't know quite how to take that, other than i don't enjoy playing to people at lindenwood anymore.
- if you see me in the next month, just tell me to hang in there. | | |
| - there is nothing interesting in my life at the moment. i get to sleep more since i cut back hours at work.
- i have no planned gigs at the moment and it's kind of an odd feeling. i like having my weekends open and all, but getting out and playing is wonderful.
- this is a short post, but like i said, nothing is happening in my life that is interesting or worth writing about. other than you | | |
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